Post Hoc

News that dole claimants will have to collect cash in person at post offices was warmly welcomed today by the Irish Association of Thieves and Highwaymen.

‘This is just the kind of shot in the arm we need,’ spokesman Dennis ‘Money with Menaces’ Cutpurse said.

‘Frankly, with electronic funds transfers growing in popularity, we’ve been struggling,’ the five-times felon admitted.

‘The nephew did a FÁS course a few years ago, he’s doing quite nicely out of electronic crime, but those opportunities aren’t available for all of us,’ he added.

Armed robbery is a specific skillset, it just isn’t transferable to a white collar environment.’

Weapons importers also welcomed the news, and the prospects for opening new markets as recession looms.

‘Ever since the ceasefires up North, things have been quiet,’ a spokesman explained. ‘We’ve developed niche gangland markets in Limerick and west Dublin, but this allows us to go national.’

Traditional industries will also benefit from the move, construction sources say.

‘Someone has to repair those broken doors and security screens afterwards. Carpenters and plasterers will benefit from the initiative.’

‘Just don’t expect the lads to show up too early,’ the source added.

‘They have to sign on first.’

By Gerard Cunningham

Gerard Cunningham occupies his time working as a journalist, writer, sub-editor, blogger and podcaster, yet still finds himself underemployed.


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