Ich bin ein Hamburger

Finance Minister Brian Lenihan has outlined a package of measures aimed at saving €440m in public spending this year.

In an unexpected move, the Cabinet announced it would set an example for other state agencies by curbing its own excesses.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen will lead the way, restricting himself to traditional ballads during late night sing-along sessions to save on fees to IMRO.

State banquets in Farmleigh House for visiting dignitaries will be replaced with a bumper treat from the local drive-thru, justice minister Dermot Ahern revealed.

Green TDs will have a healthy salad, and independent TDs will share a happy meal.

But in a concession to the junior parties, health minister Mary Harney will be allowed to supersize for an extra 50c.

The former PD minister has already ensured that her party will not be a burden on the taxpayer, since it almost disappeared in the last election.

Controversy flared briefly during the negotiations when Éamon Ó Cuív insisted the menu should be bilingual, but was quickly averted when others pointed out that a ‘Big Mac’ contained one English word and one Irish word.

In other news, Defence minister Willie O’Dea’s moustache will be turned into hairshirts.

By Gerard Cunningham

Gerard Cunningham occupies his time working as a journalist, writer, sub-editor, blogger and podcaster, yet still finds himself underemployed.